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Being Honest

Nov. 18th, 2005 | 11:19 am

I need to be honest.

Not with one person, but with everyone, even myself.. sometimes it feels I never am. In some ways this is because of my upbringing. I was taught, early early on, just to tell people what they wanted to hear. That it was easier to do so than to be honest and bare yourself. This way, you protect yourself.

In the end, though, you just wander aimlessly feeling so alone because no one knows you. You never let anyone in because you always try to tell them what you want them to hear. Sometimes consciously, often not. It becomes a habit, lieing. One lie leads to another and another and your brain becomes full of trying to remember who and what you told people. You become a demented circus performer.. like someone juggling lighted matches while standing amidst a barn of hay. It's not a matter of IF someone will find out, but when. Eventually one of those matches will either fall, or it will burn your hand so badly you drop it before you can even think.

I'm not honest with myself a lot of the time about me. I hide behind excuses for not doing things. I tell myself its my situation or it someone else when the truth is its ME not doing things. Its ME. I'm the one who takes on too much.. so much that I can't possibly get everything done. I'm the one who doesn't ask for help because I'm scared of rejection. I'm the one who hides behind a mask of smiles so no one will see my real feelings. I'm the one who tries to please everyone all the time instead of pleasing myself. I'm the one who can't make a decision about anything.. It's no one elses fault. Sure, my parents and some stuff that happened to me played a huge part in why I went down this road.. but its been long enough for me to change and I haven't. I am an adult, not a child.

I'm trying though. I'm trying to change. I'm trying to do a few small things to change a little at a time and then maybe if I keep that up.. I keep doing a little at a time.. that eventually it will be a lot of big things that have changed..

But it all starts with being honest. With everyone and with me.

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